I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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