Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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