Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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