I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Jerry, you need to find god
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
