drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
