theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
