I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
