Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
