We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
