just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
