you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
