Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
