Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
