my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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