I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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