I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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