i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
