I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
