I wanna passion pit in your ass
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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