I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
