im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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