yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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