she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
