the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
