good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
