I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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