Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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