I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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