the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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