why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
