At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
this hospital has no fireball
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
