Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
