I accidentally had phone sex last night
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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