Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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