I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
A+ Viking dick
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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