I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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