I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
