hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
