I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
