i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
