i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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