did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
