Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
