She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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