We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
