I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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