Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
