If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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