in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
