I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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