Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
last night I used snow as a chaser
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
