I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
